Lately I've had very vivid dreams - like really involved, multilayered, dreams. Backstory I used to have absolutely terrifying dreams that scared the crap out of me and there were periods of time where I'd be anxious about going to sleep but over the last two years they've subsided and lately these super interesting "downloads" have occured. I'm getting business ideas in my dreams, poems are coming to me, and messages that I can't quite make out but it's kind if cool. I find myself racing to jot them down as soon as I wake up. Call it crazy but I think it has something to do with the daily dancing. It's like it's unblocking a channel or something. So many ideas are pouring out of me that I now have a running list on my phone. It's a little overwhelming because I don't know how to get any of them done but maybe one day! So some of them are...developing a multidisciplinary artist collaborative that does pop-up showcases throughout the city, creating a deck of poetry cards illustrated by my hubby, producing a podcast called 'Post 30' that profiles women that have have started new careers or lives later on in life (we need more of these examples!). So if anyone want to collaborate on any of this let a sister know!
For now I'll be over here dancing and catching whatever comes my way.
xC
News alert. I've committed to dancing for 100 days straight and documenting it on social media (insert scared face emoji). It's day 6 and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the thought of 94 days left. It's been harder than I thought to dance every day and document it. In fact I was almost about to bail last night. It was a busy day and I didn't have time to think about dancing until 10pm. And then a mini melt down happened. I think some of it may have had to do with the fact that I was HANGRY and hadn't eaten dinner, but it was also because I was feeling insecure. Some of the thoughts running through my head were: "What the heck was I doing? Why did I commit to this? It's too vulnerable to dance in front of a camera every day. I'm out of song ideas. These videos are stupid. I don't like the way I look. I can't really dance."....ON, AND ON, AND ON. Basically I was being little brat about the whole thing. Bless my poor husband who had to witness that and feed me.
As with any childlike tantrum, it was over in 5 minutes. I had my moment and moved on. I realized that this is exactly what is suppose to be happening. This project is supposed to force me to get creative. Not every day was going to be easy and the fact that I was already getting bored with the structure I started with (me, camera, guest bedroom) was a good thing. I need to allow things to get weird and messy and weird again. I need to push passed the desire to present an easily digestible image because yeah, that's boring, that's contrived and that defeats the point of it all. So get over it! And stop redoing the video over and over - ain't nobody got time for that! I do believe that if I just let go even more I'll allow space for the unexpected/unimagineable to occur. I know the more I control the further from me inspiration gets.
So here's to the next 94 days! May I make small actions each day to show up honestly, raw, unfiltered and barefoot. I'll leave you with this video outtake in color. Consider it my step for the day :)
Unless you're living under a rock, far, far away from sandwich boards and Instagram, you know that we are officially in Spring. And if you're super dialed in, you probably know that we're now in a Pisces moon...or something (like I said I'm new to the moon stuff). So basically everywhere you look you there's something or someone giving you permission to start anew. Don't let the sarcastic tone fool you - I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff. I know, I know...everyday is a new opportunity to start again, but sometimes the bigger markers of time drive the message home you know?
Today I started the day with my candles lit, crystals out, some Michael Kiwanuka playing while the rain poured down (you get the vibe --- but seriously who am I??) and reflected on the past few months. I'm being nice to myself today so I was able to mainly see good. I've been #blessed in so many ways and am grateful for the space I've been given to heal stuff and (re)discover. I'm also able to see though that there is more I need to release and clear out before I can move forward. Isn't there a quote that says something like "when you think you've let go, let go some more"? That's where I am right now.
The first few months of the year have been about shedding expectations,exploring new ideas, formulating plans and now I'm so close to manifesting...so, so close. I can see it. I can see the visions coming to life, they're right there waiting for me. I just need to bulldoze a few more hurdles. Luckily they're just in my head.
So although there's still work to do to fully realize some dreams, for now I'll just say that this weekend I'm sharing some music publicly for the first time in a long time, there's a new business idea in the works and a movement class I'm workshopping soon (this one is super scary), plus more writing! All good.
How have the first few months of the year been for you?
C
Ok 6 months of willful unemployment have come and gone. That was so FAST! The very critical side of me shouts - "what do you have to show for it??...nothing!". But then the gentler side of me says "wow, you've come so far in your healing and you're starting to come out as the truest expression of yourself". So what's it gonna be today?
Sad to say the critic is winning :(
I just spent the last 2 hours scouring job boards and Craigslist trying to find something that could help fund this new lifestyle. Is there something out there that I can do to make some money to help support the fam but that still frees up space to create and explore. Is that too idealistic?
Side note: Been into astrology and moon stuff lately and I just found that a main trait of a Sagittarius is being an idealist which I never thought I was...guess I was wrong.
I'm sure this is familiar territory for most creative people. The struggle between dedicating time to doing what you love and supporting yourself is real. At a recent talk I went to, it was said that Philip Glass, known as one of the most influential musicians of the 20th Century, was also a plumber by day. Wait WHAT?!? Goes to show that an artistic life is far from a traditional one and so far in my experience requires a contestant negotiation between soul and ego.
But that's what I wanted right? "Eyes forward!"
C
A quick one. I know it’s been awhile. If feel like so much has happened, and then again nothing at all, you feel me?
Lately the topic of identity has been on my mind. There are so many layers to it. So in an attempt to examine my own, I put pen to paper and to my surprise I found that I have a lot to say and learn. My hope is to share a broader examination of my cultural identity with you in the future but as I was shifting through the memories, I was reminded of a particularly special moment that I thought I’d share with you now.
Do you remember the 1999 GRAMMYs? The one where Ricky Martin performed Cup of Life? Chances are you don’t, but for me it was a pivotal moment where I felt an enormous pride in being Latina. As a 16-year-old having grown up as a minority in my community, there were more moments leading up to that day where I remember wanting to fit in rather than stand out.
So imagine me as a teenager excited to watch my favorite Pop and R&B artists perform. I didn’t know who Ricky Martin was, let alone how significant his performance would be for me. But as soon as I heard his band start to play something happened. I felt a rush of excitement and disbelief. The kind of rush you get when you run into a friend in an unlikely place. Suddenly, coming out of the TV, was a familiar sound. Percussion, horns, Spanish! The music that I heard at home, that was played at family parties, was being performed on a worldwide stage. A stage that I held in such high regard and thought was only for the Madonnas and Michael Jacksons of the world. But there on the screen was Ricky swinging his hips alongside all the things that I thought made me different.
You can imagine then the impact that seeing the crowd of celebrities give him a standing ovation had on me. It made me realize that it was ok to share what was authentic to me and that there was a good chance it would be met with acceptance and maybe even admiration. I no longer had to hide my love of the things that made me unique. From that point forward I was proud to say that I knew how to speak Spanish and Portuguese, that I could shake my hips too, that I was not just American but Latin America. Full of sabor.
I know you want to watch it so here's a link to one of the only videos I can find on YT:
https://youtu.be/NwMw9Cag5HI?t=11s
I've been feeling a little stuck. I have so many ideas but am having trouble completing them. So the other day I attempted an action plan. (I know you're suppose to allow some flexibility in the creative process but we need to get going here. Once a PM, always a PM!) But an interesting realization occurred when I was listing out all of the projects I wanted to execute. Right in front of me was the missing piece. The single ingredient that would make all of this real for me. Can you figure out what it is?
1. Find musicians to record the new song I wrote
2. Complete the piece of choreography I've been concepting, get dancers involved and submit it for the Choreographers Showcase in the Fall
3. Commit a date to workshop the movement class I've been thinking about and get feedback
What I realized is that all of this requires other people. I'm feeling stuck because I've come to the point where I just can't do it on my own. In order to actually accomplish these things I need to connect, collaborate, reach out to people. I thought I was doing a good job at going out and being social but the true test is really letting people in, letting people help and add to the process.
This has always been a weakness of mine. I don't like to let people see me in the process of doing anything. I like showing finished products. I like having the plan or the answer. I like filling the awkward silence. You get me? But I also know that I do this for fear of rejection. I try and minimize the amount of negative feedback as much as possible by trying to be as buttoned up as possible (beginning to hate this phrase) and this applies to all aspects of my life. I noticed this pattern the most when I was working in the corporate world and it was crippling, but I didn't quite see how it spilled over to my creative life until now. Then again, this website was only shared with about 300 people so there you go...#controlfreak.
As I'm writing this I'm actually starting to feel overwhelmed by the idea of bringing people along on this journey and allowing them to see the unrehearsed side of me. I also get how important it is because I may not have ability to explore like this again. Hold me accountable friends.
C
"You better stay in the flow. Keep your eyes forward!"
That's what I hear when the sabotage is coming. The sticky stuff that pulls me back into the worries of the past. And it's quick too! If I give it an inch, forget it, I'm back to the downward spiral. This usually happens when I've allowed myself to be vulnerable or step out in a creative, authentic way. Anyone else experience that? Hope not. But if you do you're not alone. And everyone has to find their own little trick to get back into the flow when that happens. I've tried all kinds of things meditation, positive affirmations, 5 second rule, etc. But what I'm currently testing out, thanks to my amazing therapist, is just dancing. When a worry comes, when the inner critic is being particularly nasty - I just dance. Because when I dance there isn't room for anything else. So far so good.
Been thinking about work lately. About what it means to work.
One of my intentions for 2018 was to create new, meaningful relationships so I’ve been uber social these days; going out and meeting new people. Naturally I’ve run into the question of “what do you do?” or “what are you working on?” and no matter how lovely the delivery, the question always makes me feel a little self-conscious you know? The truth is I’m not “working”. At least not in the traditional sense. So can I still claim what I’m currently doing as “work”? I’m writing and dancing but can I claim those titles yet?
(Side note: I recently watched Frances Ha and in it someone asks her what she does and she explains that it’s hard to describe because she isn’t really doing it. That’s how I feel!)
I actually think the social discomfort is good though because it’s forced me to look at some buried insecurities and question old beliefs. For one, I didn’t realize how much I tied up “work” with monetary exchange. BUT if you asked me if a stay at home mother works, I would say YES without hesitation. And if you asked me if a fine artist, who is in year three of developing their masterpiece, works I would still say YES. So…I guess this old belief just applies to me.
Tied to this limiting belief is the idea that unless I’m getting paid for something or until I receive a major recognition or degree I can’t call myself by any title. Writer, songwriter, dancer seem out of the question. It isn’t until I win a GRAMMY or publically show my first choreographed piece that I have the right to use those terms to describe myself. Isn't that crazy? I'm setting myself up for major disappointment. Again, I realize I can apply the same money logic here so... Die old thinking, die!!
Moral of the story is that every day I’m uncovering the rigid structures in my mind that have held me back. In the past they have made me feel unworthy of pursuing the things that make me feel alive, wake me up. It can be a scary thing to begin questioning beliefs but awareness is a gift.
The work continues.
C
The other day as I was gearing up to make dinner, I poured myself a glass and decided to listen to her SuperSoul Conversations podcast. This particular conversation was with the legend RuPaul. I knew it would be entertaining but didn't know how deeply moving it would be. I was so caught up in the interview that the meal took twice as long to make.
What started off as a lighthearted exchange about fashion, quickly moved into thoughtful conversation around identity, connection and what it means to be here on this planet, breathing this air and maybe even reading this blog. Only Oprah can make those smooth transitions!
So I had to share some of my takeaways from the podcast with you. Because maybe, like me, you're curious what other's think being alive is all about. The thing is, and RuPaul mentions this throughout the interview, none of this is rocket science but for some reason when Ru (clearly we're friends now) tells it, it lands deeper. Here you go...
1. "We are all born naked and the rest is drag"
I mean, ain't that the truth. And what a beautiful way of expressing both our sameness and individuality. I had never thought about it like that before. Our outward persona is, for lack of a better word, a costume. It got me thinking about the power each of us have to chose how others perceive and receive us. And the best part is, it doesn't always have to be the same. Our identities can evolve just as we evolve. We're here for a short time so why not have fun with it? As Ru says, "I am everything and nothing at all". Love that.
2. Laugh. Don't take everything so seriously.
Ru says laughter is the most powerful spell a person can cast and I agree! We've all heard the saying that "laughter is contagious". But when was the last time you laughed without being provoked? I know I can get really caught up in the heaviness of situations so this a great reminder to bring a little levity into every day. It ain't that serious! Which leads me to the next nugget...
3. Don't succumb to the darkness and stay in kindness and love.
Ru makes this decision every day. Being negative is the easy way out; it's lazy. Negativity exists as lower levels of vibrations; low hanging fruit if you will. But the joy, the compassion, the love, those are all high vibes that require practice and mindfulness. I don't know about you but I rather float than sink so love and light my friends!
4. There is not enough dance in the world.
About half way through the interview, Ru talks about the need for more dance and has the fabulous idea of opening up a daytime dance club in Palm Springs (yes Ru, yes). What I love about this is the call for more real connection and expression. Everyone, even those closet dancers out there, knows that feeling of when an amazing song comes on and you just lose yourself in it. You know what that is? It's you coming alive; coming online as the real you. What if we supported more of that? Made it a goal to be more of that person AND in communion with others - wild!
5. Our purpose in life is just to live it.
So many of us are caught up in finding our purpose. I definitely have been. So it was refreshing to hear Ru and Oprah say they think our collective purpose is to simply exist and take full advantage of this human experience. To me that means being present and open to what is and what comes without judgement (that's the hard part). Our individual expressions are then how we interpret the experience. Might not be a new idea for some but for me this one was a real aha and took a little bit of the pressure off.